I need something, and I'm not getting it. The thing I think I'm not getting is safety.

It isn't that I'm not safe. I always thought that if I had enough money to pay my bills I'd be safe, and I do. I have warm clothes and a home. I have friends and family. I get to do things, and I have some freedom...

BUT I'm still not safe. This is because inside I don't feel safe. I am always confused, and when you are always confused, it is hard to feel safe. Things can surprise you at any time. Even the ones who love you the most could hurt you out of the blue. It can start raining really loudly on a sunny day.

I try making lists and planning schedules to keep me safe, but I can't ever be completely safe. I respond as best as I can with calmness, but my inside nervous system is nearly always on edge. I use to be able to shut down more to keep it under control, but with unmasking, and perhaps just getting older, it feels like it is always staying on high-alert mode.

What I want to do is to just move through my life smoothly. I want things to be more predicable. I realize that the fact that I am autistic is part of what drives my discomfort. And I'm looking for a way to see things differently to help me out.

I think I'm gonna start writing more about how my days move to see if it can keep me better grounded in my reality.

I have been lingering in the bedroom for a long time each day recently. I think this is because the rest of the house seems cold, but coming out into rooms infused with daylight helps me regulate, so right now I am going to sit on the sofa and read a chapter in my current novel, Momentous Events in the Life of a Cactus.

That didn't take me very long, and I was pretty distracted while reading, but I am feeling a little more grounded. Now, I'm gonna get myself a late breakfast.

I haven't been eating the foods that make me feel good lately. Again, I'm not 100% sure why. Partly 'cause I'm "using up food," but mostly, because I'm on an I-don't-care self-injury sort of bender --- certainly not the foundation of a happy, meaningful life. For this eating occasion, I made the effort. I have blueberries, yogurt, cinnamon, cheerios, and water. 

The food is down, and I am sipping water. Time to tackle the budget.

Budget tackled. Calendar perused. Weather forecast looked at. Now to brush my teeth.

My teeth are brushed and flossed. Moving onto checking the mousetraps and emptying the water bins. (Yes, we have a leak!) Done, done, and done, and now, I feel like I shouldn't post that. How can I stay safe?

I think I'll end here...