Thoughts

It has been a long time since I have been lonely, and I find I miss that emotion.

I need something, and I'm not getting it. The thing I think I'm not getting is safety.

It isn't that I'm not safe. I always thought that if I had enough money to pay my bills I'd be safe, and I do. I have warm clothes and a home. I have friends and family. I get to do things, and I have some freedom...

BUT I'm still not safe. This is because inside I don't feel safe. I am always confused, and when you are always confused, it is hard to feel safe. Things can surprise you at any time. Even the ones who love you the most could hurt you out of the blue. It can start raining really loudly on a sunny day.

I try making lists and planning schedules to keep me safe, but I can't ever be completely safe. I respond as best as I can with calmness, but my inside nervous system is nearly always on edge. I use to be able to shut down more to keep it under control, but with unmasking, and perhaps just getting older, it feels like it is always staying on high-alert mode.

What I want to do is to just move through my life smoothly. I want things to be more predicable. I realize that the fact that I am autistic is part of what drives my discomfort. And I'm looking for a way to see things differently to help me out.

I think I'm gonna start writing more about how my days move to see if it can keep me better grounded in my reality.

I have been lingering in the bedroom for a long time each day recently. I think this is because the rest of the house seems cold, but coming out into rooms infused with daylight helps me regulate, so right now I am going to sit on the sofa and read a chapter in my current novel, Momentous Events in the Life of a Cactus.

That didn't take me very long, and I was pretty distracted while reading, but I am feeling a little more grounded. Now, I'm gonna get myself a late breakfast.

I haven't been eating the foods that make me feel good lately. Again, I'm not 100% sure why. Partly 'cause I'm "using up food," but mostly, because I'm on an I-don't-care self-injury sort of bender --- certainly not the foundation of a happy, meaningful life. For this eating occasion, I made the effort. I have blueberries, yogurt, cinnamon, cheerios, and water. 

The food is down, and I am sipping water. Time to tackle the budget.

Budget tackled. Calendar perused. Weather forecast looked at. Now to brush my teeth.

My teeth are brushed and flossed. Moving onto checking the mousetraps and emptying the water bins. (Yes, we have a leak!) Done, done, and done, and now, I feel like I shouldn't post that. How can I stay safe?

I think I'll end here...

 I'm not feeling like writing, but there is a place in my life for placeholder writing so here it is.

Spring Joy

Tomorrow we head to the lilac festival! I am so excited! I hope the lilacs are in bloom. We have had a few cold days, and I am worried a wee bit. I also seriously hope we find parking quickly and easily.

Existential OCD

Today I learned about existential OCD. It is extremely common in atypical autism, which I have, and yes, I also have existential OCD - first symptom I remember I was only 3!

This condition is when you obsess about things that we don't understand, the uncertainties. For example, how gravity works, is there a god, what happens if anything when someone dies, how did the universe start, what is outside the universe. The obsession can lead to depersonalization and of course dissociation. It also often keeps people from moving forward with their lives.

Me, me, and me.

Well, I'm glad I'm not alone!

What to do about it? Well practice sitting with discomfort and uncertainty. Work on moving forward in spite of the discomfort. Focus on your values, and move towards them for some hope of happiness and a life you won't regret.

That's a simplification of course, but this learning has been beneficial to me.

Rambling through the chaos

I'm feeling stressed - like life is too hard and there is too much I need to do - and that I can never get it done in time.

Some of this stuff is really hard for me.

Anyways, I think I've been policing myself too hard.

It's life. It's meant to be good. Or hopefully not horrible. And I shouldn't be policing myself at all.

I read a book by a longevity specialist a year or so ago, and he said his therapist said to him that she didn't even know why he'd want to live a long life since he didn't seem to be enjoying his. I don't want to be like that.

BUT, without a list I get lost. Fast. My executive functioning is terrible. I forget things. Or I remember the wrong things. My youngest kid onces said that I was confused and calm. And yes, that is me. But inside where people cannot see, panicking because I am confused and the world feels so chaotic unless I shut it all the way out to retain my calm.That is autism (in my case).

There is sometimes a tomorrow

I've been having an intense year with trying to do a lot, and I took 10 days off, and I'm having trouble coming back to living, being happy, moving forward while also being present.

So I'm gonna hop back on full force, follow my list. Make the list every day and every day do those things on my list. Get the support I need. Ask for help. Reach out, etc.

I was gonna make this blog post more assertive and planning based, but it is 8:32 p.m., and I am tired.

Tomorrow is another day!

I love me.