Existential OCD

Today I learned about existential OCD. It is extremely common in atypical autism, which I have, and yes, I also have existential OCD - first symptom I remember I was only 3!

This condition is when you obsess about things that we don't understand, the uncertainties. For example, how gravity works, is there a god, what happens if anything when someone dies, how did the universe start, what is outside the universe. The obsession can lead to depersonalization and of course dissociation. It also often keeps people from moving forward with their lives.

Me, me, and me.

Well, I'm glad I'm not alone!

What to do about it? Well practice sitting with discomfort and uncertainty. Work on moving forward in spite of the discomfort. Focus on your values, and move towards them for some hope of happiness and a life you won't regret.

That's a simplification of course, but this learning has been beneficial to me.

Rambling through the chaos

I'm feeling stressed - like life is too hard and there is too much I need to do - and that I can never get it done in time.

Some of this stuff is really hard for me.

Anyways, I think I've been policing myself too hard.

It's life. It's meant to be good. Or hopefully not horrible. And I shouldn't be policing myself at all.

I read a book by a longevity specialist a year or so ago, and he said his therapist said to him that she didn't even know why he'd want to live a long life since he didn't seem to be enjoying his. I don't want to be like that.

BUT, without a list I get lost. Fast. My executive functioning is terrible. I forget things. Or I remember the wrong things. My youngest kid onces said that I was confused and calm. And yes, that is me. But inside where people cannot see, panicking because I am confused and the world feels so chaotic unless I shut it all the way out to retain my calm.That is autism (in my case).

There is sometimes a tomorrow

I've been having an intense year with trying to do a lot, and I took 10 days off, and I'm having trouble coming back to living, being happy, moving forward while also being present.

So I'm gonna hop back on full force, follow my list. Make the list every day and every day do those things on my list. Get the support I need. Ask for help. Reach out, etc.

I was gonna make this blog post more assertive and planning based, but it is 8:32 p.m., and I am tired.

Tomorrow is another day!

I love me.

A Day

Well, was looking for a photo to cement this post, but it isn't happening. It was a day. I was frustrated and stuck and had a lot of trouble moving the way I truly wanted to move. It is weird to be me.

Anyways, really, not a bad day.

Zoo Time

 

Today I went to the Seneca Park Zoo in Rochester, NY. It was fun. My partner, my grown kid JoAnn, and my grandson Ash were with me. It was a good day, but now I am tired.

And it continues

Spent the day doing the typical Saturday errands. Had our grandson Ash along which was nice. We got Dunkin and went to the library. We did mega long shoppin' at Weggies. The afternoon was more low-key. I did grill hamburgers for dinner. The first grilling of the year!

Life is OK.

Walk Walk Walk Walk

Today, I took a 2-mile walk. The first of the month on the first. Not bad.